how this works...

The intro:
So, I'm sure people know me to be difficult, pretentious, distant, and cold; but I promise there's more. I used to be nice, but as I became older, learned more, studied more, and experienced more, I found it (and still find it) very difficult to enjoy other people.

The problem:
What placed the biggest toll on my personality was definitely working in retail for over four years, consistently, at the same job. Dealing with the general public and experiencing first-hand humanity and all of its ignorance, idiocy, rudeness, anger, etc. did a number on me. It calloused me and turned me from a nice, caring person into a selfish, egotistical bitch, for lack of better words. I don't know how to explain it any better. I can try. People were rude. They threw items at me. They cursed at me. They threw childish tantrums in front of other people, just because they could not have their way, because they did not want to follow rules. You would think that a grown adult of 19+ would know better. They have had to follow rules their entire lives. The rules only become stricter with more consequences as you grow older. This is not rocket science. This is not a new concept. This is how it has always been. This is how it will likely be for a very long time. I have seen and dealt with every type of person I can imagine exists. It does something to me to see all the problems we have in the world, or even locally, here in the US (famine, homelessness, constitutional civil rights violations, animal abuse, lack of proper education, the cliche fear of math and science, economical issues, bankruptcy, disease, poor healthcare, amonst many, many others) and all people care about are things that don't even remotely address the issue--vanity, religion, money, fame, popularity, alcohol, drugs, etc. I know I haven't been to the Middle East to see war; I haven't experienced starvation; I haven't witnessed the genocide in Sudan. However, I have dealt with things that have made me despise other people. So, to summarize the reason for my issue, I'll use the word "stupidity". People do not pay attention. They worry about the smallest things. They are hypocritical. They act primal and animalistic when things don't go as desired. It's just stupid.

The result:
So, now on to the nice part! I genuinely care about other people. I feel remorse very strongly when I have hurt someone. I love my friends and will do anything for them. However, all this good is hidden under a layer of anger, bitterness, and exhaustion. I am sick of seeing people do stupid things. I am sick of people not changing, of people not seeing and solving the issues, of people being rude to other people when there is not even a remote valid reason. This has shortened my temper as well as my conscience response time. And no matter how angry I get, I cannot fix other people's problems.

The solution:
Maybe the new year will bring change, not for other people (because I cannot trust them to do anything) but for myself. If I am the one frustrated with everything I see, it makes more sense to change something about myself than to attempt to change everything I see. Let's start with the basics: a healthy new diet, hydration, and exercise. Exercise can biologically improve your mood. Let's see if this works for me. After I can get into a good habit doing these things, a healthy social life and interacting with other people reguarly might help me deal with how much I think I don't want to. Next, I will further my education. Happiness outside can only come from happiness within, and for me, knowledge is inner happiness (or power, however you choose to look at it). Maybe I'll pick up a few new hobbies as well: reading more often, volunteering at charitable organizations, and/or knitting! Who wants a new scarf?!